miserable.

Ughhhh!  I'm just miserable today.  My time started last night unexpectedly, and we didn't even have any stuff for me.  Only my mom's huge, bulky, uncomfortable ones.  I could barely fall asleep because my cramps were so bad, and Mom was mad at me for not knowing that we were out of my stuff, even though she keeps track of it in the shed. x( I don't even know where out there it is!  I'm exhausted, and have barely talked to my boy at all today.  I went back to my bedroom and took a two hour nap, and I'm still tired.  My boy won't be back anytime soon either... there's a dorm-wide party for the guys and girls to get together.  It's basically a singles night with mandatory participation. :( I'm not worried about him, I just wish we could talk.  I miss my sweetie so much!  My parents also decided that they don't really like him any more, so I don't know if I'll even get to see him this year. :'(  I sent my brothers outside for an hour and I barely got a half hour of peace. Christian tried to get Joseph sent in, and kept calling me.  Then Joseph was pounding on the door like he was going to die. And I couldn't get a hold of Dad for the longest time.  For some reason, he decided not to answer his cell phone, so I had to call the office and get the call transferred to him.  To top it off, my boy is struggling more than ever, personally, and I don't know how much longer I can take it.  He's not loving to me when he messes up, and he's trying to get me to be okay with that, and still give him pictures of me.  I don't think so.  I'm afraid that he's not pursuing God closely enough, but he tells me I'm annoying when I try to be the Christian I am and hold him accountable for it.  I still believe that God put us together as a pair, but it's really hard to be there for him.  I'm afraid that if I leave him, even temporarily, he'll never trust me again.  So many others have left him with broken promises.... I know he's afraid that I'll do the same.  I don't want to, but I'm afraid that I may have to for a time to get him to be serious about fighting his demons.  It's messing with his relationship with me and his relationship with God, and I don't think he understands how serious it is.  I love him, but I'm turning into an emotional wreck, and I can't live like this.
Pray for me?


The only two bright spots in this week have been my trips to the barn, on Wednesday and Thursday.  Even then, it's not totally happy.  Connor's feet are seriously sore, he can't be ridden.  Thankfully, he's back to himself character wise.  On Wednesday, I got to ride one of the rescue horses, Red, for the second time.  She is absolutely AMAZING!  I LOVE riding her so much.... I want to ride her more often, like, all the time!  She's obviously had dressage training.  She yields perfectly to rein and leg aids, and obeys wonderfully.  She's very friendly, and incredibly light to control.  She has the most gorgeous, perfect, jog, and loves to go!  It's awesome!  Thursday, all I got to do was brush out Connor and help out, but it's still fun. :)
-Lizzie out.